A few weeks ago I tried a little fast. I went the day without food and started to do a week without facebook, things that are normal elements of my daily regimen. At first it was tough. My stomach would rumble. I would be bored and wanted to get online. And these desires would rise up inside of me. Strong impulses. But I said no. And man it felt good. It felt free.
Now I'm not saying food is a bad thing or even that facebook is a bad thing. Without food I would die, and without facebook, well I wouldn't die (I could probably live without that). But, what I am saying, is that I had a wake up call to how much I am driven by my impulses, and how different the world is when I don't just live off of them. Going from pleasure to pleasure can satisfy temporarily, and that strong impulse fades when I obey it, but then it just comes back stronger the next time. It is as though I am a slave to my desires. But, that fast was so purifying, I don't remember feeling that free for a long time.
I am a pretty emotional person. And I've never thought of that as a bad thing. Emotions can be good. Trusting my gut feeling has guided me through many a biology exam and has even guided me spiritually. I believe God speaks through our emotions and desires. But, I think emotions can only be trusted and listened to so much. And that is the lesson I am learning. It is hard for me to realize that maybe, even if I feel very strongly about something, it is not right. For example, sometimes I just feel it is so right to just relax and waste my time on the computer or even reading my "junk food" books. My impulse, my emotions, speak to me so strongly about it, and so I usually give in thinking, "This is just what I need right now."
I was convicted a few days ago by something. My emotions are not the bottom line. God gave me this verse from the Israelite prophet Isaiah,
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways" -God (Isaiah 55:9)
I guess it was pretty prideful of me to think that my emotions were always right. But that's how I was acting.
So, I did that fasting thing. And it was like a revelation. Because when I stopped just doing whatever my emotions told me to, it was like tapping into something bigger. I realized following my own desires can just keep me on this hamster wheel. I get up in the morning, I feel like skipping my quiet time, so I do that. I go through my day, I feel like ignoring people, so I do. And then the cycle repeats.
It is only by tapping into the thought of this higher power, these higher emotions, this Jesus man, that I can be free.
Paul said we were once a slave to our desires . . . but I think even being Christians, we still have to ask God to remove those shackles. Desire, emotions can be a great gift from God, but when they become the bottom line, they turn into a cage.
I am only free when I am not controlled by what I want.
