The Choice You Made - A Christmas Poem

B looy, b loody
Your eye is bruised
One is swollen shut

Broken, breaking
Your feet now stumble
You are struggling hard

Shamed, so shameful
You are blamed
and everyone is laughing

Do you remember back?
Before this moment . . .
back when it was simple?

Do you remember?
Being little?
Being a kid?

Do you remember saying yes?
Do you regret the choice you made?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why would you
YOU
of all people

Choose to suffer
And now you look at me
With such intensity

You are b loody, broken, shamed
And yet you look at me and whisper

"It is worth it."

And that is the meaning of Christmas

The World is Quiet

The world is quiet.
The only sound
is the muted crunch
of boots on snow.

The sky is soft.
The clouds are dusky,
and shaded soft purple,
and the moon is the only light.

The moon is pale.
Its silver light
washes over the snow banks
with shadows and silver.

The world is quiet.
A breeze shivers
through the pine needles
and sends flakes of snow swirling in the air.

The world is quiet.
The only sound is my breath going in and out,
and the only sight is my footprint
on the blanket of subtly sparkling white.


The world is quiet

The Window (inspired by Yann Tiersen's song "Summer 78")

Her fingers stroke the keys lovingly. As though it is an old friend she has not seen for years. She sits on the bench. The reflection of her fingers shines in the glossy black mahogany. So many years gone. Every mistake, every regret, every pain, seems to slip out of her mind as she pushes down on the keys. Notes. Up and down, back and forth, her fingers start to walk, to run. It is as though they are remembering everything again. She is remembering everything again.

She leans in, pressing the keys gently now, it is soft, intimate, heartbreakingly tender. Now harder, faster, the excitement is swelling. She feels her chest move up and down with the breath. Inhaling, exhaling. Everything is coming back. Has it been so long? The piano gives back whatever she puts into it. Truly, like an old friend, it sings its song for her. It remembers her.

The brain that failed her so often is now working. Her brain that forgot whether she had eaten or not, forgot who her children were. This frustrating, heartbreaking brain, is now alive again. Her cheeks felt wet. Days, years, of frustration start to melt away. It didn't matter that she forgot how old she was and thought it was the 50s. It didn't matter that she couldn't remember her own phone number. Now, all that is here is the piano.

Her eyes start to blur with tears. She is remembering. Like snow melting after an eternal winter. Like the animals awaking from hibernation. Her heart starts to come alive again. For the first time in a long time, she feels like herself. Sobs tear from her. She is holding onto this feeling. She doesn't want to let it go and return to the way things were. She has to stay in this light. Has to keep from falling asleep inside. Had to stop the ice from returning and closing over everything. From letting that beast, alzheimers, steal everything. She doesn't know how long she has before her mind slips again.

This is her window in time. And the piano is her medium.

L i t t l e G i r l

Cold and Dirty,
Tired and Aching.
When will we find rest?

A Heavy Load,
A Weighty Burden
One that she still loves.

Afraid

The Future tilts
On a knife's edge
Which way will it fall?

To the left
and there is ridicule
and exile

To the right
and there is t error
and loneliness

And Yet

He said, Don't Fear
He said, Tidings of Joy
He said, Immanuel

She can't see
the next step
in front of her

He isn't sure
whether he imagined
or dreamed it

They travel like two children
Following a voice
Of one crying in the desert


Pain
Pain
All She Feels Is Pain

And Then

The Face
Small, Vulnerable, Wrinkled
Little Face

Her Boy
Her tiny, weak
boy

The Fear melts
There is only one thing now
No Ache, No Pain, Nothing

But the swelling,
bursting,
throbbing love for the baby before her

Pain Gave Way to Life

Denial

So, my parent were talking at the dinner table today, like they always do. And the candles were glowing, and the rest of the room was dark. All I could see were their faces, and my dad's blue eyes. That pale, blue that has faded with time, but still stares me down with such intensity. He looked at me and then looked around at the rest of us. He told us about how his friend died last night from a tumor in his brain. I never met the man, but he had a son who loved him a lot. Now he's gone and it's almost Christmas, and that is the worst. He asked me what kids thought when d eath happens, what kids thought about the new president. And I answered honestly, "I think alot of kids are in denial."

Denial is a blissful place, for a while. As a kid, when I heard about d eath and dying, it seemed like worlds away. I heard with my ears and understood it in my head, but never felt it at the deepest part. I would hear of sad things happening and then forget about it soon after. The older I get, the more that part of my life has changed. Denial is not a comfortable place anymore. I don't think it's always bad that kids live in denial. I think that is part of the reason they are so happy. They can't feel all the pain in the world. Wow this is a bummer of a post. I'm really not depressed or anything. Just thinking. I'm thinking about how in our society, we still try to live in denial. Like with d eath. It is something so ugly to us that we push as far away possible. Like an odor in a room that's unwanted, we cover up the smell with perfume, or just leave the room. We try to avoid it. But we can never completely avoid reality. Until we go to be with Him who has always been.
Denial is a happy place. But only for awhile. Eventually, you will wake up. I did. Lord, be with that son who lost his father.
And to think, God feels every pain. Loves every person like his favorite child.