My heart is pretty heavy as I write this. We just finished a Christmas movie: "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." We laughed and I felt cozy and drowsy in my afghan. But, then , my dad turned on the news and my heart started to fall a little bit. It feels like it's dropped, too heavy to stay high in my chest.
It was a news story about hikers on Mt. Hood. They got caught in a storm; one's body's been found, the other two are still missing. I can't, I just can't watch that and go back to working on my fun, fictional story. I'm struck with sadness. They are young. Mid to late twenties, around my age. They love Jesus, just like me. The young woman worked as a an advocate against trafficking. The two guys met at a Christian camp. Their pictures are those of people glowing with health. So full of life they seem to overflow with it. Such normal, lovely people. My stomach feels a little sick. Sometimes I can ignore the death around me, but every now and then, it s through my armor and makes me sick.
I think what makes me sick the most is how good they sound. They are active, beautiful, normal people. The kind of people I work with. The kind of people I go to school with. The kind of person my best friend is, or my sister, or my brothers. And my stomach feels sick.
Death is a surprise sometimes. A horrible surprise, and it shocks me when I see it. It can turn everything upside down. I just pray and pray that the other two hikers are still up there in the storm, alive. I pray that God's love would be like a warm blanket and wrap around them, and wrap around their families.
It's easy to close your heart, sometimes. I can make excuses for not feeling, like "If they would've been more prepared," or "That sort of thing is common for extreme hikers." But, I can't, I just can't forget it right now.
As I was praying for them, I was struck, though, with a thought. I'm going to see those hikers some day. Those hikers who love Jesus. I'll get to meet them, and we'll all get to spend forever together. Forever in happiness. I can see how the thought of eternity is so comforting. I love a man who conquered death. That's what Jesus was all about. Death may seem like this dark, scary surprise to us. But, Jesus just looked it right in the face and said, "Enough, you've had your time." There is no fear. Yeah, in this broken world we feel that grief. But our grief is not like the world's grief. We know death's power here is just a farce. O Father. Come quick.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Meaningful Conversation
He said - All of you
I said - Really?
He said - I mean it
I said - Impossible
He said - Why not?
I said - I've got too much to lose
He said - Really?
I said - Impossible
He said - Let me show you something
I said - Ohh kay
He said - Hold my hand
I said - I'll try
He said - How's that?
I said - That's nice
He said - Still have too much to lose?
I said - I don't think so
He said - My love is too big too deep for you to get
I said - I think I'm starting to see that
He said - I'd like to show you how deep
I said - Please!
He said - Still want to hold onto that junk?
I said - Take it
He said - It won't always be pretty
I said - I know
He said - Follow me
I said - Really?
He said - I mean it
I said - Impossible
He said - Why not?
I said - I've got too much to lose
He said - Really?
I said - Impossible
He said - Let me show you something
I said - Ohh kay
He said - Hold my hand
I said - I'll try
He said - How's that?
I said - That's nice
He said - Still have too much to lose?
I said - I don't think so
He said - My love is too big too deep for you to get
I said - I think I'm starting to see that
He said - I'd like to show you how deep
I said - Please!
He said - Still want to hold onto that junk?
I said - Take it
He said - It won't always be pretty
I said - I know
He said - Follow me
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Academia
I wake.
Fall time.
Time for falling back into rhythm.
Breathing. In and Out.
Wake up to a cold, golden sun on flaming leaves.
Shadows slanting on the pavement as I walk.
Keep my eyes looking past those I pass.
Every now and then, my eyes lock with someone.
Awkward. A little.
But, then, I feel a smile jerk at the corners of my mouth. So quickly.
They're surprised. They smile back, surprising themselves too, I think.
I sit. The desk is small, and old, and creaky, but I'm comfortable.
I look out at the long pine branches and then at my teacher.
I wonder if he's always been like this.
If he's ever been young and without jaded eyes and with a heart that was open and soft to You.
I wonder what happened to make his words so heavy with mockery.
I talk. So many people, so little time to talk and listen and hear who is who and how they feel. What they think.
To discuss and discuss.
To discuss men who are 400 by now.
To discuss feelings that are brand new.
All the people here are old and trying to get older
But they were once just babies.
Everyone was once without walls.
Lord, I'm excited for you to make all things new.
But meanwhile
I wake up to the cold autumn morning,
I walk down the street and try to love people with my eyes,
I sit in little desks and pray for teachers,
and I'm learning ten new names.
Fall time.
Time for falling back into rhythm.
Breathing. In and Out.
Wake up to a cold, golden sun on flaming leaves.
Shadows slanting on the pavement as I walk.
Keep my eyes looking past those I pass.
Every now and then, my eyes lock with someone.
Awkward. A little.
But, then, I feel a smile jerk at the corners of my mouth. So quickly.
They're surprised. They smile back, surprising themselves too, I think.
I sit. The desk is small, and old, and creaky, but I'm comfortable.
I look out at the long pine branches and then at my teacher.
I wonder if he's always been like this.
If he's ever been young and without jaded eyes and with a heart that was open and soft to You.
I wonder what happened to make his words so heavy with mockery.
I talk. So many people, so little time to talk and listen and hear who is who and how they feel. What they think.
To discuss and discuss.
To discuss men who are 400 by now.
To discuss feelings that are brand new.
All the people here are old and trying to get older
But they were once just babies.
Everyone was once without walls.
Lord, I'm excited for you to make all things new.
But meanwhile
I wake up to the cold autumn morning,
I walk down the street and try to love people with my eyes,
I sit in little desks and pray for teachers,
and I'm learning ten new names.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Bragging on My Ma, and the Rambling that Followed
I've always admired my mom's strength. But, this past year or so has made me so proud of her. See, she has been looking for a teaching job for 2 years, and man, it's been a roller coaster. 30 applications, 9 interviews, and hours of hard work. She'd talk to my family after every disappointment, bouncing thoughts off me, my dad and siblings, like, "Should I even be teaching? What's my calling?" The whole time, though, she kept away from bitterness and despair. She did even more than that. She came to a point where she was ready to give up her dream of having her own class room, and then . . . something amazing happened.
She got her dream job!!!!!!!!
It kind of came at the eleventh hour, and the God of ours has quite the timing. The interesting thing to me is, it wasn't just any old teaching job. This was the job she'd wanted for a really long time at Mckinley, an elementary school that she's wanted to teach at for forever!
I've never had to go through 30 applications and multiple interviews, but I do know about something I call "hope deferred". Actually, Solomon called it "hope deferred". What I mean by that, is dreams that've been in your heart for a long time but haven't happened yet.
You know when you feel something is really right, like it's just MEANT to happen, but it hasn't come to pass yet? Like, I knew that my mom was meant to be a teacher, or how I knew friends of mine were supposed to come to Jesus, or how I was just supposed to work at camp that one summer. It's like waiting for a baby to be born. You know it's going to happen, but it seems like its taking forever.
Paul talked about that too. He said the whole earth groans as though it has labor pains, waiting for the day when everything will be made right, when all of those good "dreams" come to pass.
Another interesting thing I found about my mom's job situation was that it was only when she got to the point where she could give up the job that she GOT the job. My good friend Matt said once that we have to die to our dreams in order for God to do what He wants with them. I think that's true. It's only after I let go of those dreams in my heart, when that doesn't become my life anymore, that I can really enjoy them the way God meant them to be enjoyed.
Like how at Christmas when I was younger, I would hope and hope for a certain present, like one year it was a pair of roller blades. When Christmas finally came and I got the blades, it wasn't like I had imagined for so long. I think it was because I focused so much on that, and that was not something that could really fulfill me, or last. Not that getting roller blades was bad.
What's so cool about God is that He knows every hope in each of His kids' hearts, and He knows that it's only when they come to Him first that those hopes will be fully enjoyed. I've had things I've hoped for happen, and sometimes it was the wrong time, or the wrong thing. Papa knows what's the best for His kids.
She got her dream job!!!!!!!!
It kind of came at the eleventh hour, and the God of ours has quite the timing. The interesting thing to me is, it wasn't just any old teaching job. This was the job she'd wanted for a really long time at Mckinley, an elementary school that she's wanted to teach at for forever!
I've never had to go through 30 applications and multiple interviews, but I do know about something I call "hope deferred". Actually, Solomon called it "hope deferred". What I mean by that, is dreams that've been in your heart for a long time but haven't happened yet.
You know when you feel something is really right, like it's just MEANT to happen, but it hasn't come to pass yet? Like, I knew that my mom was meant to be a teacher, or how I knew friends of mine were supposed to come to Jesus, or how I was just supposed to work at camp that one summer. It's like waiting for a baby to be born. You know it's going to happen, but it seems like its taking forever.
Paul talked about that too. He said the whole earth groans as though it has labor pains, waiting for the day when everything will be made right, when all of those good "dreams" come to pass.
Another interesting thing I found about my mom's job situation was that it was only when she got to the point where she could give up the job that she GOT the job. My good friend Matt said once that we have to die to our dreams in order for God to do what He wants with them. I think that's true. It's only after I let go of those dreams in my heart, when that doesn't become my life anymore, that I can really enjoy them the way God meant them to be enjoyed.
Like how at Christmas when I was younger, I would hope and hope for a certain present, like one year it was a pair of roller blades. When Christmas finally came and I got the blades, it wasn't like I had imagined for so long. I think it was because I focused so much on that, and that was not something that could really fulfill me, or last. Not that getting roller blades was bad.
What's so cool about God is that He knows every hope in each of His kids' hearts, and He knows that it's only when they come to Him first that those hopes will be fully enjoyed. I've had things I've hoped for happen, and sometimes it was the wrong time, or the wrong thing. Papa knows what's the best for His kids.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Just Say No - It's not really that easy
Has anyone seen "YES MAN"?
I had a sweet experience watching it. How liberating to see a middle-aged man (who always crosses his "t's") break out of his box. It was an encouragement to juice the day of all it has to offer and to remember that life is not about a schedule but about the relationships and experiences that come.
Well, it's been a few months since that movie, and now, I have a little bit of a different view on it. You see, I am (and have been for quite awhile) "YES WOMAN". It is extremely hard for me to say no. There are a few reasons behind this, and they're not the greatest.
While Jim Carrey found thrill, adventure and a cute girl while saying "yes" to everything, I've been finding exhaustion, bags under my eyes, and a headache that's been hanging around for awhlie. I tell you, it is hard work saying yes. Whenever I tell my parents where I'm going lately they give me this little look. You know how parents' looks can speak a thousand words. This look says, "Christen-I-can't-believe-you-said-'yes'-to-another-activity.' This look is usually followed by a concerned comment like, "You are going to burn out."
Why do I say yes to everything? As I said, they're not really the best reasons. The top one is, I don't want to hurt peoples' feelings. Ultimate people pleaser. Yes. Usually, I'm having a convo with someone and I agree to things in the excitemenet of the moment.
Reason number two is that I don't want to miss out on anything (beach trips, movie nights, etc.). I feel like it will be a waste of my time to do nothing and that it is more acceptable to always be somewhere in the evening.
The problem with all these "yeses" is that they can't really be enjoyed if you aren't awake to enjoy them. I truly believe simplicity is undervalued. We live in a land where bigger is better, faster is coveted, and people with busy schedules are applauded for "doing something productive."
But, I think what I'm learning, is that simplicity is sweet. When I'm on the go so much saying yes to every person and event, I crave going to my bed and zonking out. And usually, when I'm that busy being "YES WOMAN", I'm always looking to the next thing that needs to be done. The next check on the list. Yuck. It's like stuffing yourself on a extra large meal of delicious food. Sure, it tastes great, but you feel miserable afterwards.
I don't want to switch to become "NO WOMAN", but there's got to be a happy balance somewhere. "MAYBE WOMAN." Or, "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT WOMAN".
Signing off,
Christen
I had a sweet experience watching it. How liberating to see a middle-aged man (who always crosses his "t's") break out of his box. It was an encouragement to juice the day of all it has to offer and to remember that life is not about a schedule but about the relationships and experiences that come.
Well, it's been a few months since that movie, and now, I have a little bit of a different view on it. You see, I am (and have been for quite awhile) "YES WOMAN". It is extremely hard for me to say no. There are a few reasons behind this, and they're not the greatest.
While Jim Carrey found thrill, adventure and a cute girl while saying "yes" to everything, I've been finding exhaustion, bags under my eyes, and a headache that's been hanging around for awhlie. I tell you, it is hard work saying yes. Whenever I tell my parents where I'm going lately they give me this little look. You know how parents' looks can speak a thousand words. This look says, "Christen-I-can't-believe-you-said-'yes'-to-another-activity.' This look is usually followed by a concerned comment like, "You are going to burn out."
Why do I say yes to everything? As I said, they're not really the best reasons. The top one is, I don't want to hurt peoples' feelings. Ultimate people pleaser. Yes. Usually, I'm having a convo with someone and I agree to things in the excitemenet of the moment.
Reason number two is that I don't want to miss out on anything (beach trips, movie nights, etc.). I feel like it will be a waste of my time to do nothing and that it is more acceptable to always be somewhere in the evening.
The problem with all these "yeses" is that they can't really be enjoyed if you aren't awake to enjoy them. I truly believe simplicity is undervalued. We live in a land where bigger is better, faster is coveted, and people with busy schedules are applauded for "doing something productive."
But, I think what I'm learning, is that simplicity is sweet. When I'm on the go so much saying yes to every person and event, I crave going to my bed and zonking out. And usually, when I'm that busy being "YES WOMAN", I'm always looking to the next thing that needs to be done. The next check on the list. Yuck. It's like stuffing yourself on a extra large meal of delicious food. Sure, it tastes great, but you feel miserable afterwards.
I don't want to switch to become "NO WOMAN", but there's got to be a happy balance somewhere. "MAYBE WOMAN." Or, "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT WOMAN".
Signing off,
Christen
Saturday, June 20, 2009
What a Wretched Man?
I like my life right now. It is different. In some ways emptier. In many ways more full. Remember when I was talking about the pruning that God was taking me through and how He was trimming off the excess stuff. That process is not complete. Haha. What a laugh! That process won't be complete until I see Him face to face. But, you know, that is a comforting thought to me; that followers of Christ don't have to be perfect on the first try.
I used to think , and sometimes still do, that maybe I'm not made of the right cloth to be a true follower of Christ. I screw up so much. And usually, when I think I have it together, I don't. I used to get a little worried about myself. I would look at the descriptions of followers of Christ: selfless, compassionate, willing to sacrifice all for the cross. And then I would look at my own life and see the following: selfish, judgmental, not willing to give up simple, petty things. Of course this discrepancy caused me some discomfort. But, then I came across this passage in Romans and it totally helped me!
Romans 7 has this monologue from Paul. I can just see the guy with his pen, or feather quill (what did they use?), scribbling madly in frustration. Paul goes on this rant talking about how what he wants to do he doesn't do, but what he really doesn't want to do, THAT'S what he does. It's all a little depressing. But, I totally relate. And that gave me so much comfort. If this apostle who claimed to be a lover of Christ could admit those things, maybe I'm not a lost cause.
The next line that Paul says gives me the most comfort of all. Paul says, "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of ?" And then comes the cou de gras: "Thanks be to Jesus Christ." This Christian thing is not for the perfect, not for the people who are able to be "pruned" in one sitting. It is for the lost causes, the people that have a hard time being perfect and doing what they're supposed to. It's a process, and it's only through HIM that we get anywhere.
I know there are still so many areas of my life that need to be pruned, but I'm so thankful for what Christ is doing in me. For example, a few short weeks ago I was addicted to a few things, and He pulled the plug. These were a few things I'd been hanging onto for awhile! And, He changed me. Also, I used to be much quicker to judge and get offended. But, I keep hearing Him say, "Love bears all things." The older I get, the more I see that relationships should not easily be let go.
Well, I'm going on a road trip Monday to Colorado to visit family and looking forward to that! Should bring a plethora of new insights to share. Goodnight.
I used to think , and sometimes still do, that maybe I'm not made of the right cloth to be a true follower of Christ. I screw up so much. And usually, when I think I have it together, I don't. I used to get a little worried about myself. I would look at the descriptions of followers of Christ: selfless, compassionate, willing to sacrifice all for the cross. And then I would look at my own life and see the following: selfish, judgmental, not willing to give up simple, petty things. Of course this discrepancy caused me some discomfort. But, then I came across this passage in Romans and it totally helped me!
Romans 7 has this monologue from Paul. I can just see the guy with his pen, or feather quill (what did they use?), scribbling madly in frustration. Paul goes on this rant talking about how what he wants to do he doesn't do, but what he really doesn't want to do, THAT'S what he does. It's all a little depressing. But, I totally relate. And that gave me so much comfort. If this apostle who claimed to be a lover of Christ could admit those things, maybe I'm not a lost cause.
The next line that Paul says gives me the most comfort of all. Paul says, "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of ?" And then comes the cou de gras: "Thanks be to Jesus Christ." This Christian thing is not for the perfect, not for the people who are able to be "pruned" in one sitting. It is for the lost causes, the people that have a hard time being perfect and doing what they're supposed to. It's a process, and it's only through HIM that we get anywhere.
I know there are still so many areas of my life that need to be pruned, but I'm so thankful for what Christ is doing in me. For example, a few short weeks ago I was addicted to a few things, and He pulled the plug. These were a few things I'd been hanging onto for awhile! And, He changed me. Also, I used to be much quicker to judge and get offended. But, I keep hearing Him say, "Love bears all things." The older I get, the more I see that relationships should not easily be let go.
Well, I'm going on a road trip Monday to Colorado to visit family and looking forward to that! Should bring a plethora of new insights to share. Goodnight.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Starry Nights and Strawberry Nights
The cardigan is warm on my shoulders
It guards against the chilly edge of the summer night
My eyes are used to the dark now
and I can make out the faces of my dad and brother
My hair is falling over my face in tangled curls
I really need a trim
The upbeat tempo of the guitar sparks my imagination
I feel a little smile playing on my lips
And I think that it is about time
For this summer to come
My books are safely tucked underneath my desk
My pencils, once sharp and ready, are hidden in the drawer
My reading glasses lay on my nightstand
And I am through
I feel the relief in the thought
That the night is young and sleep is deep
I feel comfort in the thought that the weekend is near
Excitement and rest
It's true it's been cloudy
But Oregon June is always like that
And I know that summer is here
I anticipate nights
starry nights
fresh strawberry nights
camp fire nights
ocean nights
LOST nights
late night swim nights
sleeping bag nights
giggling high schooler nights
journaling nights
All of them spent in the dusky orange and pink sky.
All of them enjoyed in the warm, cooling, fragrant evening.
There is nothing like a summer in Oregon.
It guards against the chilly edge of the summer night
My eyes are used to the dark now
and I can make out the faces of my dad and brother
My hair is falling over my face in tangled curls
I really need a trim
The upbeat tempo of the guitar sparks my imagination
I feel a little smile playing on my lips
And I think that it is about time
For this summer to come
My books are safely tucked underneath my desk
My pencils, once sharp and ready, are hidden in the drawer
My reading glasses lay on my nightstand
And I am through
I feel the relief in the thought
That the night is young and sleep is deep
I feel comfort in the thought that the weekend is near
Excitement and rest
It's true it's been cloudy
But Oregon June is always like that
And I know that summer is here
I anticipate nights
starry nights
fresh strawberry nights
camp fire nights
ocean nights
LOST nights
late night swim nights
sleeping bag nights
giggling high schooler nights
journaling nights
All of them spent in the dusky orange and pink sky.
All of them enjoyed in the warm, cooling, fragrant evening.
There is nothing like a summer in Oregon.
My Friend with the Pruning Shears
There's this analogy Christ has of a grape vine. He talks about how the branches with lots of leaves have to be pruned off so that the plant will stop putting energy into making leaves and start making fruit. Then this Jesus man talked about how that's like our lives and how we must let God come in and "prune" our lives by cutting off things that take our energy from making real fruit. Now, this fruit that He talks about actually means we are looking more like Jesus.
This past week and a half has been a pruning week, a week where I finally let God, the big gardener of my heart, come in and cut off some of the excess stuff. The branches He cut off were ones I had been wanting to get rid of for a long time anyways, but I had gotten so used to having them, I think I was a little nervous. We are creatures of habit, and comfort, at least I am. I had gotten into habits of comfort with these branches, and have the pruning shears go at them was a little difficult at first. It was quick. One swift move and a few staples that had become part of Christen's life fell to the ground.
I really sensed God say that He has a calling on my life and that these "branches" were getting in the way of me following the call. Then, I got this picture of an athlete with some extra poundage who was having a hard time running; this athlete's run was more like a waddle. And I remembered that verse where the apostle Paul talks about training to run the race we are called to run. I admit, Jesus, I have been avoiding the training, avoiding the pruning, whatever analogy you prefer.
So, sometimes I miss these old habits. They were sort of like old friends. But, then I remember that there is something better in store. Because who wants to eat a bunch of leaves anyways? What you really want is fruit on those branches.
This past week and a half has been a pruning week, a week where I finally let God, the big gardener of my heart, come in and cut off some of the excess stuff. The branches He cut off were ones I had been wanting to get rid of for a long time anyways, but I had gotten so used to having them, I think I was a little nervous. We are creatures of habit, and comfort, at least I am. I had gotten into habits of comfort with these branches, and have the pruning shears go at them was a little difficult at first. It was quick. One swift move and a few staples that had become part of Christen's life fell to the ground.
I really sensed God say that He has a calling on my life and that these "branches" were getting in the way of me following the call. Then, I got this picture of an athlete with some extra poundage who was having a hard time running; this athlete's run was more like a waddle. And I remembered that verse where the apostle Paul talks about training to run the race we are called to run. I admit, Jesus, I have been avoiding the training, avoiding the pruning, whatever analogy you prefer.
So, sometimes I miss these old habits. They were sort of like old friends. But, then I remember that there is something better in store. Because who wants to eat a bunch of leaves anyways? What you really want is fruit on those branches.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Please Come Home
My mom says you don't really know how much you can love until you are a parent. She says it's the kind of love that hurts you so much. The kind of love that almost scares you because it consumes you. And she says she never knew she could feel so much.
I'm not a mom. Well, I did get the best potential mother award in highschool as a senior, but I digress. I'm not a mom, but I am a sister and a friend, and a youth leader. And I think I have felt a little drop of this kind of love. It is the kind of love that leaves a hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. The kind of love that makes you almost wish you could not feel, because it's so consuming.
This kind of love is what I think could be called God-love. I can't even imagine how God must feel. He is the big dad. The father of generations of children, and He has had to watch for thousands of years as His children break His heart, over and over.
Oh God, how do you stand that?
How can you stand to watch your kids leave your house?
Take their money and run?
They saw how good your love was and said "no thanks"
They felt your awesome touch and said, "You're not real"
And still, You would take them back
In a second, you would open up your door and say, "Finally home"
Being in church for many years means I have seen many people walk away and choose a life without their Dad. Some come back after years away. The prodigals. My heart breaks with this God-love. If MY heart, my small heart, can hurt so much, how must the giant heart of my Father feel?
Please, come home.
I'm not a mom. Well, I did get the best potential mother award in highschool as a senior, but I digress. I'm not a mom, but I am a sister and a friend, and a youth leader. And I think I have felt a little drop of this kind of love. It is the kind of love that leaves a hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. The kind of love that makes you almost wish you could not feel, because it's so consuming.
This kind of love is what I think could be called God-love. I can't even imagine how God must feel. He is the big dad. The father of generations of children, and He has had to watch for thousands of years as His children break His heart, over and over.
Oh God, how do you stand that?
How can you stand to watch your kids leave your house?
Take their money and run?
They saw how good your love was and said "no thanks"
They felt your awesome touch and said, "You're not real"
And still, You would take them back
In a second, you would open up your door and say, "Finally home"
Being in church for many years means I have seen many people walk away and choose a life without their Dad. Some come back after years away. The prodigals. My heart breaks with this God-love. If MY heart, my small heart, can hurt so much, how must the giant heart of my Father feel?
Please, come home.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Lesson from Harry Facing Death
So, I've been thinking today about time. About how easy it is to waste, and about what an appropriate use of it is.
Not to be morbid, but I was reading a book the other day where the main character was facing death. Ok, Ok, this main character was Harry Potter, I admit it. But, our character was going to a certain end, and his thoughts along the way were so different from mine. He was thinking about how here he was clinging on to his final moments, appreciating the cool air on his face, the silver of the moon, the smell of pine in the forest, while other peoples' lives would drag on for years and years. And that got me thinking.
I started thinking about how my life drags sometimes. I experience a fun event, a heartfelt conversation with a friend, a great run outside . . . and then I have those moments in between. You know? Those moments where you are just waiting for something to happen. And it drags.
Back to Potter - if I were facing death, though, it would be ironic that some people have lives that will go on and on for a long time, while my own was going to be cut short. I probably would kick myself for those times where I was just waiting for something to happen.
I HATE when people say live each day like it's you last. Maybe "hate" is too strong of a word. But, here is why: I don't like how cliche it has become. I don't like the thought of spending a day knowing I was going to die the next day (I think it would get me all anxious and worried about making the most of the opportunity). Those are the two main reasons.
So, I'm not into living like I am dying. BUT, I do think taking little Potter's lesson into consideration is a good idea. People say life is so short. But, when you are 21 and trying to get through school, sometimes life just feels loooong. My parents say they look in the mirror and can't believe that the reflection is really theirs. They can't believe time has gone by so fast.
I think as young people, we feel invincible, and as though we will be young forever and have a very long time to do the important things that need to be done. Now, I'm not saying I'm afraid of a life cut short, but what I AM saying is I don't want to be waiting for something to happen, enjoy the event, and then go back to waiting. Time, time, time. It can be a treasure or a curse.
Not to be morbid, but I was reading a book the other day where the main character was facing death. Ok, Ok, this main character was Harry Potter, I admit it. But, our character was going to a certain end, and his thoughts along the way were so different from mine. He was thinking about how here he was clinging on to his final moments, appreciating the cool air on his face, the silver of the moon, the smell of pine in the forest, while other peoples' lives would drag on for years and years. And that got me thinking.
I started thinking about how my life drags sometimes. I experience a fun event, a heartfelt conversation with a friend, a great run outside . . . and then I have those moments in between. You know? Those moments where you are just waiting for something to happen. And it drags.
Back to Potter - if I were facing death, though, it would be ironic that some people have lives that will go on and on for a long time, while my own was going to be cut short. I probably would kick myself for those times where I was just waiting for something to happen.
I HATE when people say live each day like it's you last. Maybe "hate" is too strong of a word. But, here is why: I don't like how cliche it has become. I don't like the thought of spending a day knowing I was going to die the next day (I think it would get me all anxious and worried about making the most of the opportunity). Those are the two main reasons.
So, I'm not into living like I am dying. BUT, I do think taking little Potter's lesson into consideration is a good idea. People say life is so short. But, when you are 21 and trying to get through school, sometimes life just feels loooong. My parents say they look in the mirror and can't believe that the reflection is really theirs. They can't believe time has gone by so fast.
I think as young people, we feel invincible, and as though we will be young forever and have a very long time to do the important things that need to be done. Now, I'm not saying I'm afraid of a life cut short, but what I AM saying is I don't want to be waiting for something to happen, enjoy the event, and then go back to waiting. Time, time, time. It can be a treasure or a curse.
Monday, January 19, 2009
impulses
A few weeks ago I tried a little fast. I went the day without food and started to do a week without facebook, things that are normal elements of my daily regimen. At first it was tough. My stomach would rumble. I would be bored and wanted to get online. And these desires would rise up inside of me. Strong impulses. But I said no. And man it felt good. It felt free.
Now I'm not saying food is a bad thing or even that facebook is a bad thing. Without food I would die, and without facebook, well I wouldn't die (I could probably live without that). But, what I am saying, is that I had a wake up call to how much I am driven by my impulses, and how different the world is when I don't just live off of them. Going from pleasure to pleasure can satisfy temporarily, and that strong impulse fades when I obey it, but then it just comes back stronger the next time. It is as though I am a slave to my desires. But, that fast was so purifying, I don't remember feeling that free for a long time.
I am a pretty emotional person. And I've never thought of that as a bad thing. Emotions can be good. Trusting my gut feeling has guided me through many a biology exam and has even guided me spiritually. I believe God speaks through our emotions and desires. But, I think emotions can only be trusted and listened to so much. And that is the lesson I am learning. It is hard for me to realize that maybe, even if I feel very strongly about something, it is not right. For example, sometimes I just feel it is so right to just relax and waste my time on the computer or even reading my "junk food" books. My impulse, my emotions, speak to me so strongly about it, and so I usually give in thinking, "This is just what I need right now."
I was convicted a few days ago by something. My emotions are not the bottom line. God gave me this verse from the Israelite prophet Isaiah,
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways" -God (Isaiah 55:9)
I guess it was pretty prideful of me to think that my emotions were always right. But that's how I was acting.
So, I did that fasting thing. And it was like a revelation. Because when I stopped just doing whatever my emotions told me to, it was like tapping into something bigger. I realized following my own desires can just keep me on this hamster wheel. I get up in the morning, I feel like skipping my quiet time, so I do that. I go through my day, I feel like ignoring people, so I do. And then the cycle repeats.
It is only by tapping into the thought of this higher power, these higher emotions, this Jesus man, that I can be free.
Paul said we were once a slave to our desires . . . but I think even being Christians, we still have to ask God to remove those shackles. Desire, emotions can be a great gift from God, but when they become the bottom line, they turn into a cage.
I am only free when I am not controlled by what I want.
Now I'm not saying food is a bad thing or even that facebook is a bad thing. Without food I would die, and without facebook, well I wouldn't die (I could probably live without that). But, what I am saying, is that I had a wake up call to how much I am driven by my impulses, and how different the world is when I don't just live off of them. Going from pleasure to pleasure can satisfy temporarily, and that strong impulse fades when I obey it, but then it just comes back stronger the next time. It is as though I am a slave to my desires. But, that fast was so purifying, I don't remember feeling that free for a long time.
I am a pretty emotional person. And I've never thought of that as a bad thing. Emotions can be good. Trusting my gut feeling has guided me through many a biology exam and has even guided me spiritually. I believe God speaks through our emotions and desires. But, I think emotions can only be trusted and listened to so much. And that is the lesson I am learning. It is hard for me to realize that maybe, even if I feel very strongly about something, it is not right. For example, sometimes I just feel it is so right to just relax and waste my time on the computer or even reading my "junk food" books. My impulse, my emotions, speak to me so strongly about it, and so I usually give in thinking, "This is just what I need right now."
I was convicted a few days ago by something. My emotions are not the bottom line. God gave me this verse from the Israelite prophet Isaiah,
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways" -God (Isaiah 55:9)
I guess it was pretty prideful of me to think that my emotions were always right. But that's how I was acting.
So, I did that fasting thing. And it was like a revelation. Because when I stopped just doing whatever my emotions told me to, it was like tapping into something bigger. I realized following my own desires can just keep me on this hamster wheel. I get up in the morning, I feel like skipping my quiet time, so I do that. I go through my day, I feel like ignoring people, so I do. And then the cycle repeats.
It is only by tapping into the thought of this higher power, these higher emotions, this Jesus man, that I can be free.
Paul said we were once a slave to our desires . . . but I think even being Christians, we still have to ask God to remove those shackles. Desire, emotions can be a great gift from God, but when they become the bottom line, they turn into a cage.
I am only free when I am not controlled by what I want.
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