A Meaningful Conversation

He said - All of you
I said - Really?
He said - I mean it
I said - Impossible

He said - Why not?
I said - I've got too much to lose
He said - Really?
I said - Impossible

He said - Let me show you something
I said - Ohh kay
He said - Hold my hand
I said - I'll try

He said - How's that?
I said - That's nice
He said - Still have too much to lose?
I said - I don't think so

He said - My love is too big too deep for you to get
I said - I think I'm starting to see that
He said - I'd like to show you how deep
I said - Please!

He said - Still want to hold onto that junk?
I said - Take it
He said - It won't always be pretty
I said - I know

He said - Follow me

Academia

I wake.
Fall time.
Time for falling back into rhythm.
Breathing. In and Out.
Wake up to a cold, golden sun on flaming leaves.
Shadows slanting on the pavement as I walk.
Keep my eyes looking past those I pass.
Every now and then, my eyes lock with someone.
Awkward. A little.
But, then, I feel a smile jerk at the corners of my mouth. So quickly.
They're surprised. They smile back, surprising themselves too, I think.

I sit. The desk is small, and old, and creaky, but I'm comfortable.
I look out at the long pine branches and then at my teacher.
I wonder if he's always been like this.
If he's ever been young and without jaded eyes and with a heart that was open and soft to You.
I wonder what happened to make his words so heavy with mockery.

I talk. So many people, so little time to talk and listen and hear who is who and how they feel. What they think.
To discuss and discuss.
To discuss men who are 400 by now.
To discuss feelings that are brand new.


All the people here are old and trying to get older
But they were once just babies.
Everyone was once without walls.
Lord, I'm excited for you to make all things new.

But meanwhile
I wake up to the cold autumn morning,
I walk down the street and try to love people with my eyes,
I sit in little desks and pray for teachers,
and I'm learning ten new names.

Bragging on My Ma, and the Rambling that Followed

I've always admired my mom's strength. But, this past year or so has made me so proud of her. See, she has been looking for a teaching job for 2 years, and man, it's been a roller coaster. 30 applications, 9 interviews, and hours of hard work. She'd talk to my family after every disappointment, bouncing thoughts off me, my dad and siblings, like, "Should I even be teaching? What's my calling?" The whole time, though, she kept away from bitterness and despair. She did even more than that. She came to a point where she was ready to give up her dream of having her own class room, and then . . . something amazing happened.
She got her dream job!!!!!!!!
It kind of came at the eleventh hour, and the God of ours has quite the timing. The interesting thing to me is, it wasn't just any old teaching job. This was the job she'd wanted for a really long time at Mckinley, an elementary school that she's wanted to teach at for forever!
I've never had to go through 30 applications and multiple interviews, but I do know about something I call "hope deferred". Actually, Solomon called it "hope deferred". What I mean by that, is dreams that've been in your heart for a long time but haven't happened yet.
You know when you feel something is really right, like it's just MEANT to happen, but it hasn't come to pass yet? Like, I knew that my mom was meant to be a teacher, or how I knew friends of mine were supposed to come to Jesus, or how I was just supposed to work at camp that one summer. It's like waiting for a baby to be born. You know it's going to happen, but it seems like its taking forever.
Paul talked about that too. He said the whole earth groans as though it has labor pains, waiting for the day when everything will be made right, when all of those good "dreams" come to pass.
Another interesting thing I found about my mom's job situation was that it was only when she got to the point where she could give up the job that she GOT the job. My good friend Matt said once that we have to die to our dreams in order for God to do what He wants with them. I think that's true. It's only after I let go of those dreams in my heart, when that doesn't become my life anymore, that I can really enjoy them the way God meant them to be enjoyed.
Like how at Christmas when I was younger, I would hope and hope for a certain present, like one year it was a pair of roller blades. When Christmas finally came and I got the blades, it wasn't like I had imagined for so long. I think it was because I focused so much on that, and that was not something that could really fulfill me, or last. Not that getting roller blades was bad.
What's so cool about God is that He knows every hope in each of His kids' hearts, and He knows that it's only when they come to Him first that those hopes will be fully enjoyed. I've had things I've hoped for happen, and sometimes it was the wrong time, or the wrong thing. Papa knows what's the best for His kids.

Just Say No - It's not really that easy

Has anyone seen "YES MAN"?
I had a sweet experience watching it. How liberating to see a middle-aged man (who always crosses his "t's") break out of his box. It was an encouragement to juice the day of all it has to offer and to remember that life is not about a schedule but about the relationships and experiences that come.
Well, it's been a few months since that movie, and now, I have a little bit of a different view on it. You see, I am (and have been for quite awhile) "YES WOMAN". It is extremely hard for me to say no. There are a few reasons behind this, and they're not the greatest.
While Jim Carrey found thrill, adventure and a cute girl while saying "yes" to everything, I've been finding exhaustion, bags under my eyes, and a headache that's been hanging around for awhlie. I tell you, it is hard work saying yes. Whenever I tell my parents where I'm going lately they give me this little look. You know how parents' looks can speak a thousand words. This look says, "Christen-I-can't-believe-you-said-'yes'-to-another-activity.' This look is usually followed by a concerned comment like, "You are going to burn out."
Why do I say yes to everything? As I said, they're not really the best reasons. The top one is, I don't want to hurt peoples' feelings. Ultimate people pleaser. Yes. Usually, I'm having a convo with someone and I agree to things in the excitemenet of the moment.
Reason number two is that I don't want to miss out on anything (beach trips, movie nights, etc.). I feel like it will be a waste of my time to do nothing and that it is more acceptable to always be somewhere in the evening.
The problem with all these "yeses" is that they can't really be enjoyed if you aren't awake to enjoy them. I truly believe simplicity is undervalued. We live in a land where bigger is better, faster is coveted, and people with busy schedules are applauded for "doing something productive."
But, I think what I'm learning, is that simplicity is sweet. When I'm on the go so much saying yes to every person and event, I crave going to my bed and zonking out. And usually, when I'm that busy being "YES WOMAN", I'm always looking to the next thing that needs to be done. The next check on the list. Yuck. It's like stuffing yourself on a extra large meal of delicious food. Sure, it tastes great, but you feel miserable afterwards.
I don't want to switch to become "NO WOMAN", but there's got to be a happy balance somewhere. "MAYBE WOMAN." Or, "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT WOMAN".
Signing off,
Christen

What a Wretched Man?

I like my life right now. It is different. In some ways emptier. In many ways more full. Remember when I was talking about the pruning that God was taking me through and how He was trimming off the excess stuff. That process is not complete. Haha. What a laugh! That process won't be complete until I see Him face to face. But, you know, that is a comforting thought to me; that followers of Christ don't have to be perfect on the first try.
I used to think , and sometimes still do, that maybe I'm not made of the right cloth to be a true follower of Christ. I screw up so much. And usually, when I think I have it together, I don't. I used to get a little worried about myself. I would look at the descriptions of followers of Christ: selfless, compassionate, willing to sacrifice all for the cross. And then I would look at my own life and see the following: selfish, judgmental, not willing to give up simple, petty things. Of course this discrepancy caused me some discomfort. But, then I came across this passage in Romans and it totally helped me!
Romans 7 has this monologue from Paul. I can just see the guy with his pen, or feather quill (what did they use?), scribbling madly in frustration. Paul goes on this rant talking about how what he wants to do he doesn't do, but what he really doesn't want to do, THAT'S what he does. It's all a little depressing. But, I totally relate. And that gave me so much comfort. If this apostle who claimed to be a lover of Christ could admit those things, maybe I'm not a lost cause.
The next line that Paul says gives me the most comfort of all. Paul says, "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of ?" And then comes the cou de gras: "Thanks be to Jesus Christ." This Christian thing is not for the perfect, not for the people who are able to be "pruned" in one sitting. It is for the lost causes, the people that have a hard time being perfect and doing what they're supposed to. It's a process, and it's only through HIM that we get anywhere.
I know there are still so many areas of my life that need to be pruned, but I'm so thankful for what Christ is doing in me. For example, a few short weeks ago I was addicted to a few things, and He pulled the plug. These were a few things I'd been hanging onto for awhile! And, He changed me. Also, I used to be much quicker to judge and get offended. But, I keep hearing Him say, "Love bears all things." The older I get, the more I see that relationships should not easily be let go.
Well, I'm going on a road trip Monday to Colorado to visit family and looking forward to that! Should bring a plethora of new insights to share. Goodnight.

Starry Nights and Strawberry Nights

The cardigan is warm on my shoulders
It guards against the chilly edge of the summer night
My eyes are used to the dark now
and I can make out the faces of my dad and brother

My hair is falling over my face in tangled curls
I really need a trim
The upbeat tempo of the guitar sparks my imagination
I feel a little smile playing on my lips

And I think that it is about time
For this summer to come

My books are safely tucked underneath my desk
My pencils, once sharp and ready, are hidden in the drawer
My reading glasses lay on my nightstand
And I am through

I feel the relief in the thought
That the night is young and sleep is deep
I feel comfort in the thought that the weekend is near
Excitement and rest


It's true it's been cloudy
But Oregon June is always like that
And I know that summer is here

I anticipate nights
starry nights
fresh strawberry nights
camp fire nights
ocean nights
LOST nights
late night swim nights
sleeping bag nights
giggling high schooler nights
journaling nights
All of them spent in the dusky orange and pink sky.
All of them enjoyed in the warm, cooling, fragrant evening.
There is nothing like a summer in Oregon.

My Friend with the Pruning Shears

There's this analogy Christ has of a grape vine. He talks about how the branches with lots of leaves have to be pruned off so that the plant will stop putting energy into making leaves and start making fruit. Then this Jesus man talked about how that's like our lives and how we must let God come in and "prune" our lives by cutting off things that take our energy from making real fruit. Now, this fruit that He talks about actually means we are looking more like Jesus.
This past week and a half has been a pruning week, a week where I finally let God, the big gardener of my heart, come in and cut off some of the excess stuff. The branches He cut off were ones I had been wanting to get rid of for a long time anyways, but I had gotten so used to having them, I think I was a little nervous. We are creatures of habit, and comfort, at least I am. I had gotten into habits of comfort with these branches, and have the pruning shears go at them was a little difficult at first. It was quick. One swift move and a few staples that had become part of Christen's life fell to the ground.
I really sensed God say that He has a calling on my life and that these "branches" were getting in the way of me following the call. Then, I got this picture of an athlete with some extra poundage who was having a hard time running; this athlete's run was more like a waddle. And I remembered that verse where the apostle Paul talks about training to run the race we are called to run. I admit, Jesus, I have been avoiding the training, avoiding the pruning, whatever analogy you prefer.
So, sometimes I miss these old habits. They were sort of like old friends. But, then I remember that there is something better in store. Because who wants to eat a bunch of leaves anyways? What you really want is fruit on those branches.